Defusion for Relationship Thoughts & Anxiety

When thinking about your close relationships, how often do you find yourself distracted from the present moment by your thoughts? Here are some examples of how your thoughts can take you away from the present moment.

Social Interactions:

Some of these thoughts can be about how you have performed and may cause you to analyze your behavior by raking through the details of the interaction.

• Analyzing what you said or did

• Analyzing what they said or did

• Analyzing any mistakes you made

• Analyzing if you are liked

• Analyzing if you hurt their feelings 

Past Resentments: 

Perhaps you pretend to be engaged during an interaction, but you are thinking about the hurtful way someone spoke or behaved and are faking your way through the interaction until you don’t have to be around them. Or, maybe you are truly engaged in the conversation, but before or after seeing this person, you reflect on the glaring issues of the relationship. 

• Silently recalling past negative experiences

• Reflecting on how you feel about the past during the current interaction

• Thinking they deserve something bad to happen to them

• Wishing for a past behavior to have not occurred 

Fixing Relationships:

Maybe you instead have consuming thoughts about how to fix the relationship and action urges to talk with them until you have been clearly heard, the issue is resolved, or you have received an apology.

• Thinking they owe you an apology

• Thinking you need them to listen fully and agree to what you are saying

• Obsessing about what they did or what you did and how it changed the dynamic

• Obsessing about ways to get closer to them, apologize, right a wrong or clarify your intent

• Obsessing about ways they need to improve for the relationship

Hopelessness:

Sometimes hopelessness in relationships can manifest in ways like thinking the relationship is doomed, there is no hope in trying to fix it, and to exit the relationship as quickly or effectively as possible. 

• Thinking they will never change, so why bother

• Thinking you will never change, so why bother

• Thinking you are not good enough/smart enough/attractive enough

• Thinking they can never be forgiven

• Thinking you will never be forgiven

• Thinking you will never agree, so why try to communicate

• Thinking about ways to end the relationship

• Fantasizing about being alone

• Fearing being alone

• Thinking you no longer are valued by the person 

Feedback: 

Another way thoughts may show up is by fixating on negative feedback, corrections, or suggestions for improvement. You may jump into problem-solving instead of engaging with the person. Or, you may exit the conversation as quickly as possible to avoid feeling embarrassed. 

• Obsessing about the negative feedback you received and mentally disputing it

• Obsessing about how to correct your behavior so negative feedback is no longer valid

• Thinking about how to obtain feedback to become better when feedback is not offered

• Thinking you are no good or a failure when you receive feedback

Compulsive Striving:

Some clients may struggle with compulsive striving with work, hobbies, and relationships. When this shows up in relationships, it may present as fixing problems. But, it can also show up as catering excessively to the other person’s needs, not taking care of your own needs, and setting boundaries.

• Setting too many or too high of goals for yourself

• Setting goals for others

• Thinking you will be appreciated for all the extra work you do or how hard you worked

• Thinking others' needs are more important than your own

• Thinking your needs are more important than others

Failure, rejection, and competence:

Sometimes, you may be stuck with emotions of anxiety, thinking you are not good enough; they will leave you in the end; somehow, this won’t work out, or you aren’t equipped enough to engage with them. 

• Analyzing if you were good enough (funny, clever, or skillful enough)

• Thinking you are not liked

• Thinking you don’t fit in

• Thinking you will fail or why try

• Thinking you are unlikeable, inherently bad, flawed or unworthy

• Thinking you will be left in the end

• Thinking this somehow won’t work out

There might be situations that haven’t been listed here that impact your relationships. Perhaps you identified mostly with a description of ruminations, but not exactly. Feel free to modify these to make them fit for your life and your relationships.

Questions to ask yourself now are:

1) How are my relationships impacted by my thoughts?

2) Do my thoughts prevent me from being present in my relationships?

3) Do my thoughts stop me from prioritizing the relationship?

From here, you can identify when to use defusion skills.

1. Start by noticing the thoughts that are occurring and pulling your attention. When your thoughts are running the show, it's likely this experience is not workable, or in other words is not giving you a more rich, full life.

2. Then, name the thoughts saying, "Here are my ruminations about my social interactions/Here are my ruminations about resentments/Here are my thoughts of fixing the relationship/etc.").

3. Now, neutralize these thoughts.

   1. Recognize the purpose your thoughts have in trying to help you, which helps to normalize these thoughts as perfectly normal suggestions from your mind.

   2. You might find it helpful to also thank your mind for it's suggestions, by saying "thank you, mind."

   3. You can imagine your thoughts, give them a physical shape and watch as they come and go, without getting caught up in them.

      1. Some clients find it helpful to write down their thoughts and put them into "cubbyholes" or post-it notes to section the thoughts.

   4. Singing thoughts or saying them in a silly voice can help lessen the intensity of your thoughts.